I learned at a very young age that she had no self awareness of how she hurt others. When she would make me cry, she put the blame on me. “You are just too defensive,” she would say.

So, I soon learned to hide my tears, pretending her words didn’t hurt. If my mother would be mean, I would tuck her insensitivity away in the closet of my mind, until I went to bed. I cried myself to sleep many nights as a little girl because of my mother. As a little girl, I was teaching myself to be a little mouse who wouldn’t squeak when stepped on, but boy could I bear a grudge.

Some kids are shy, I was timid.

A few examples of my timidity are as follows:

• My brother had a friend who used to tease me and tell me I had “big ears and big feet.” I was terrified of him. I remember hiding from him when I was staying at my Grandmother’s house. Funny thing, when I was a teenager I dated this young man a couple of times. I think he actually had a bit of a crush on me, even when I was a little girl.

• The most popular boy in my class was throwing spit wads behind the teachers back in second grade. I laughed at him. I was the one that the teacher punished by putting me out in the hallway, giving me the only D I ever had in grade school. My mother asked why I got such a bad grade and I feigned complete confusion as to why my teacher would have done that.

• There was another boy in the class ahead of me in grade school. He was I was “ugly.” For the record, I wasn’t, but I was horrified that I may have to sit next to him at lunch. I prayed every night that would not happen.

I wonder how much my timidity fed my grudge bearing.

Hiding your hurt is never a healthy step in healing. Yet, that is what I have learned to do.

That is why I have a tendency to attract men who are rage addicts. I am a professional at walking on eggshells.

In my novel, the mother of Suzie hid grief. That grief burrowed into her heart and exploded in an episode of horrific child abuse of Suzie when she was a little girl.

This year I took a personality test.

If you are interested in analyzing your personality please click on the following link. https://www.16personalities.com/free-personality-test I thought it was a bunch of hogwash until I read the results. I was astounded at the accuracy. The test said I was a Mediator. It even said I would most likely become an author. Which is right on the money with the release of my first novel. The Shattered Vase.

If you are interested in reading that story, click on the following link.https://www.theshatteredvase.com/index.php/product/buy-the-shattered-vase/

My personality type fits well with my primary spiritual strength which is that of mercy. Essentially I am a non confrontational person who is full of mercy.

Bearing a grudge should literally be impossible for me. Right? WRONG!

As a little girl I taught myself well how to hold grudges. If my mother would offend me I would hide those words in my heart until I was under the cover of darkness. Then I would replay the horrific memory again and again while shedding tears.

One summer my mother’s words did not hurt me. It was the summer after my Sophomore year in high school. I memorized a lot of Bible verses that summer, building up my armor. That summer was amazing! The next year I aced everything I did at school. It was a wonderful experience. I learned through that summer how to shield myself from verbal abuse by using the weapon of God’s word.

I was under the impression that I didn’t hold grudges until I saw a thread on Facebook where a lady wrote letters of forgiveness to people who had never said they were sorry. Tears streamed down my cheeks as I realized I had held many a grudge. Upon seeing this, I confessed my sin and tried very hard to let go of bitterness that I had harbored.

I have healed from the unintended emotional pain that I suffered from my mother.

I do not believe she meant to hurt me. As an adult I do not continue a conversation with her if it is becoming hurtful. I merely hang up. Sometimes it takes me awhile to call back, forgiveness is a process.

I know she loves me dearly. She has told me many times how much she loves me. I believe she does, I think when she is angry she may not have the self awareness to know how she hurts others.

She is ninety years old now. I live in Texas, she lives in the midwest. I try to call her often and she is so excited when I call. My children call her also. She is thrilled when they call and tells me often what lovely children I have.

When she says things which are unkind, I try to forget instead of remember. For remembering and revisiting the hurtful comments only makes the wound on my heart fester and become bitterness. I don’t believe my mother would want that to happen and I know I certainly don’t.

Have you been hurt by others? If so, have you discovered a way to release that hurt?

Leave a comment and let me know how you have been hurt by someone close. If you have struggled with bitterness and have come to a point of healing, please leave your comment as to what has helped you.

Most mornings i would wake up full of joy. The joy of the Lord was definitely my strength. Although I do credit God with my intrinsic spirit of joy, I believe I helped maintain the joy.The atmosphere in our home was not one that leant itself to joy, so I started creating joy.

KEEPING BUSY WAS A KEY TO MY JOY

I was always busy doing something. In the wintertime I would play Sunday School in the living room of our farmhouse. I would line up all my dolls on the couch and teach them about Jesus. If I wasn’t doing that I was playing like I was a catalog clerk downstairs, using an old adding machine to figure out the purchase amount.

My mother was a fantastic cook, because of this, I decided to design a restaurant downstairs also. I named it, made a menu and had friends and cousins over to play in my restaurant, Kozy Korner. I didn’t actually cook food in the basement, that is where imagination took over for me and my friends.

During the summertime I played out in the garage where my Daddy had sectioned off a part of the garage as a playhouse. He even made me a fake stove! There were days I made mud pies. Other days I would go to the creek where my Mom grew up and we would pick mulberries. In the spring, my aunt and uncle would invite my brother and I over to see the baby chicks on their farm.

CREATING JOY WAS A NECESSITY

Before I was born, my parents had a bit of difficulty in their marriage. My mother took this really hard. She cried a lot when I was a little girl, I couldn’t understand why she cried so much. I would go up to her and say, “Why are you crying Mommy? I love you!”

She has told me many times that without me she may not have survived that period of hardship in her life. In addition to that, she has said that my Dad may not have stayed in the marriage if I hadn’t been born. I adored my Daddy as a little girl, so he too, had my love.

Sometimes I think I sensed as a child that the atmosphere was oppressive and depression was a constant threat. As a result, my natural defense to this was unbridled joy.

CREATING JOY TAKES DIFFERENT PATHWAYS

My sister has shared with me some of her experiences from childhood. She was the oldest and my mother relied on her a lot to help with housework because she had had a nervous breakdown. My sister was always trying to be a “perfect” child. It was an impossible challenge in our home. We could never do enough to please our parents.

As a little girl she loved school but dreaded going home and she told herself she just had to be happy. She tried very hard to be happy. She was very popular in school but struggled at home to maintain a positive attitude. She is a very calm and peaceful presence in any situation. I believe that may be because her goal as a young child was to pursue happiness.

I adored my older sister when I was little. I remain very thankful for her. She is close to seventy years old and has always been a great role model for me to look up to.

CREATING JOY, AS A CHILD, IS LINKED TO PLAY

Maybe I had more intrinsic joy than my sister did because I did not have to work as hard as she did when I was little. I was quite the entrepreneur as a little girl. I ran a restaurant, a catalog store, maintained a playhouse and taught Sunday school. So I did do a lot but it was what I chose to do.

My sister worked very hard for my mother, she is still a very hard worker and competent in so many arenas. I figured out early on that there was no pleasing my mother, so I didn’t make that a goal. I made creating joy a goal. Sometimes I think my pathway as a child was not one that served me well as an adult. I think that I struggle on a daily basis with some issues because I was not taught consistent discipline, as a child, like my sister was.

Are there memories of childhood or times in your life which bring a spirit of you back to you?Sometimes it could be a hobby, pursuit of a dream or a project which you enjoy. In the COVID crisis I would like to challenge you to discover the lost art of creating joy.

Tell me in the comments what you do which creates joy in your life.

UNTIL ONE TRAGIC DAY…

Within the span of one day, Job lost his animals, which included donkeys, camels and sheep. He also lost all of his farmhands, shepherds and servants. Then his children were killed by a tornado.

The Bible goes on to say “that in all of this, Job did not sin by blaming God.”

As if losing everything was not enough, then he became sick with a horrible skin disease.

Job had three besties

These three men were Eliphaz, Bildad, and Zophar. They sat with him for a full week in silence. Then Job started talking. He was a bit on the dark side, cursing the day of his birth.

Eliphaz tried his hardest to encourage him. However, his speech is a bit condemning in tone. Then Bildad started talking and again it was assumed that the suffering of Job was due to an unconfessed sin. However, Zophar took it to a whole new level. He implied that Job’s calamities proved that he was wicked. Then the young Elihu start throwing ruthless (worthless) words at Job.

With friends like that, who needs enemies?

Finally Job gets his chance to address God with his perspective. God puts him in his place. After the confrontation with God, Job humbles himself in repentance.

What is most interesting is what happens next. His friends were told to bring a sacrifice to Job that he was to offer to God for their sins. He was then to pray over his friends for God to forgive them. His fortunes were then restored.

I find it immensely interesting that Job had to intercede for his hostile friends and reconcile them with God before his fortunes could be restored.

Might that be because God was worried that he would not forgive his friends and live with bitterness? So God, in his wisdom, asked Job to not only forgive his friends but perform an act which could pave the way for God to forgive them also.

Are we any better than Job? Is it not important for us to pray for those who have persecuted us, betrayed us and stolen from us?

In my novel, The Shattered Vase, when Suzie remembers how her mother abused her as a little girl, she is told that she needs to help her mother heal. That is a hard thing to do. Read The Shattered Vase to find out if she is successful or does her mother remain bitter?

https://www.theshatteredvase.com/index.php/product/buy-the-shattered-vase/

Image compliments of Heri Santosa via pixabay

I was just a little girl when betrayal first attacked. There was one girl in my class who was being made fun of. I felt sorry for her and became her friend. We were besties until I got a horrible illness and had to spend two months in the hospital. I came out in a wheelchair and had to learn how to walk again.

I endured vicious bullying because of that illness. In addition to the bullying, I lost my bestie. She said I had changed. I felt like saying, “Well, I did just spend two months in a hospital and was in a coma for six weeks. If you had gone through something like that, don’t you think you would change a little too?”

However, I did not say that to anyone. I hid my pain and endured the bullying until I launched out of that stinking little town and went to college.

My mother had always taught me to be kind to those who were underdogs. I had to teach myself in college that it was okay to hang out with people who were winners instead of losers, because losers do not have a lot of self-confidence. As a result, they can go for the jugular in the arena of betrayal.

Betrayal can lead to Rejection.

Betrayal can lead to rejection which can lead to more betrayal. https://www.theshatteredvase.com/index.php/2020/10/07/rejection/

In addition to being the victim of betrayal; I have done my share of betrayal also. I find that when I have done so it was because I was not happy in a relationship.

Was this because of me or the other person?

When I look back on the times, I realize I was . Feeling as if I did not measure up. I felt as if I fell short of others’ expectations.

Looking for love in all the wrong places, I did not realize that the problem was me, not the other person.

Betrayal is no longer a lure for me.

There is one person who always says that I have someone else. I tried everything I knew to make that person feel secure. Yet, they kept saying things that indicated to me that they felt insecure in our relationship. I wondered many times, what would it take to make them feel loved?

I wonder the same about me and the years I betrayed others. What would it have taken to make me feel loved?

Have you been betrayed?

In my novel, The Shattered Vase, Suzie is betrayed by her husband. She is devastated but responds in a way which is spiritually mature. If you would like to read her story, please click on the following link.https://store.bookbaby.com/book/The-Shattered-Vase

How do you respond to betrayal?

Do you think betrayal reveals weakness or strength in the person who is betraying?